Three Demigods Walk Into An Elevator
by jayan0706
Summary: ...and none leave with their sanity intact. Or the story in which Percy rediscovers his love for toilet water, Clarisse is Clarisse, and Leo is more mature than both of them. Somehow. Gift-fic for lunaarlily, who was the 1000th reviewer on my other story, Dear Mortals.
**Note: This was written before the Blood of Olympus, and by then, I couldn't really take Leo out of it. I originally tried to explain how he was miraculously alive, but it dragged on too long so I took it out. I hope nobody minds.**

* * *

 **[Ground Floor]**

It was a beautiful day. The sun was shining, birds were singing, and Clarisse la Rue was ready to commit murder.

"If I ask why I'm here," She wondered aloud, "Yet another freaking time, will you have grown some brain cells and come up with a decent answer?"

Out of the three boys with her, only Leo deigned to look up -though only because Percy and Nico weren't there at the moment. In his hands was a half-finished alarm clock that instead of ringing annoyingly, was supposed to sing _Leo Is Awesome_ all the time. He thought it'd be a good gift for Calypso since they were dating now. Clarisse had a five-drachma bet that he'd be dumped the second she received it.

"Lady, if I had brain cells, then I wouldn't be half as crazy as I am now," He shot back in dead seriousness. "Though I'm still sane enough to not pace back and forth three hundred six times."

"Go to Tartarus, _koprophage._ " **(1)**

Leo shifted his gaze back to the clock. "Better not let Percy hear you say that. You know how he and Annabeth have reacted to the Pit of All Evil's name since they got back from it."

Clarisse huffed, but as the son of Poseidon was heading towards them right now, she decided not to say anything.

"Nico and I just got clearance to go up to Olympus," Percy announced cheerfully, pointing to the card in Nico's hand **(2)**. "We can head up now!"

Behind him, Nico di Angelo rolled his eyes at his fellow demigod's excitement. "Yeah, let's go guys. If we don't move soon, Percy'll spontaneously combust or something."

Leo sighed and jumped out of his seat, tucking the clock into his tool belt. Clarisse followed behind, muttering words that were most likely insults under her breath. Annabeth had invited them all to see the new renovations she'd made to the building, as Gaea and the giants kind of erased sightseeing time for a while. Percy, as her boyfriend, had felt obligated to go and was obviously enjoying the whole thing. It was getting on her nerves. She started to daydream of ways to make him stop smiling (And oh, there were so many wonderful ways to do that), but was snapped out of it when Leo stepped forward and pressed the up button beside the elevator.

It didn't work.

"The Hades?" Leo said, staring at the up arrow inscribed on a tiny metal circle. A circle, he knew, that was attached to all sorts of things that were supposed to bring an elevator to the bottom floor, where four very impatient demigods were waiting. But it didn't.

Clarisse growled and pushed him out of the way. "Here, let me try."

She proceeded to pound on the up button with the strength of King Kong. "Trust me, a little force and it'll work just fine."

"Okay then," Nico said, blinking dubiously at what she was doing. He then all but shoved the card into Percy's hands. "If you say so. Bye."

Percy blinked in confusion, staring at the card. "Bye?"

"Of course," Nico said smoothly. "I'm not going to stick around for six hundred floors listening to songs that sound like they were written during the Stone Age. See you."

He stepped into the shadows, smirking smugly the whole time, and was gone.

Percy and Leo gaped. Clarisse just snorted and resumed pounding on the up button. "What a lucky little shit."

 **x**

 **[Also The Ground Floor]**

After much screaming, pounding, ten chickens, a cow, and many curious glances, the elevator finally arrived.

Don't ask.

 **x**

 **[Third Floor]**

"I'd forgotten how bad the music was," Percy said mournfully, looking every bit like a kicked seal. Leo decided to put his current project on hold (Sorry Calypso) in favour of making 100% soundproof earplugs. It was for the greater good, he reasoned.

Clarisse just sighed and tried to prepare herself for a long ride.

"Are we there yet?"

Nevermind, she wasn't prepared at all.

 **x**

 **[Tenth Floor]**

"Are we there yet?"

Put an emphasis on _at all._

 **x**

 **[Fifty-Sixth Floor]**

"How much farther?"

Argggggggggh.

 **x**

 **[Ninety-Ninth Floor]**

"What time is it again?"

Why. Just why.

 **x**

 **[One Hundred Twenty First Floor]**

"I see. How much longer?"

Why didn't she bring a spear?

 **x**

 **[One Hundred Fortieth Floor]**

"What floor is this again?"

Why didn't she bring a sword?

 **x**

 **[One Hundred Seventy-Second Floor]**

"So, is that close to our destination?"

Or even arrows. She'd even settle for _a quiver of fucking arrows_ , dammit. Something. Anything.

 **x**

 **[Two Hundred Thirtieth Floor]**

" _Are we there yet_?"

"By the Gods!" Clarisse snapped, finally losing it. "ARE YOU ALWAYS THIS ANNOYING ON ELEVATOR RIDES?"

"I resent that remark!" Percy glared at her. "I was just asking a question!"

"YOU'VE BEEN ASKING QUESTIONS FOR THE PAST -PAST, UH, ACTUALLY I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG WE'VE BEEN HERE."

"One hour and thirty-two minutes **(3)**." Leo fidgeted awkwardly when his companions stared at him. "What? I have a clock, remember?"

And he pulled out the one he was making before. "I mean, the alarm doesn't work right now, but-"

Clarisse turned around, cutting the son of Hephaestus off. "As I was saying, Seaweed Brain, you've been babbling inconsistently for the past hour and thirty-two minutes-"

Leo considered saying it had just become thirty-three, according to his clock, but decided against it.

"Yeah well, it's not my fault this elevator moves so damn slow-"

"Yes, but it's your fault for talking so much, can't you even keep your mouth shut for just one second?"

A pause. "Just did."

"WHY YOU-"

The sudden change in volume made Leo jump. Gods of Olympus, Clarisse had some lungs. He wondered how anyone in the Ares cabin could stand it, but those thoughts were dispelled when he turned around and saw what, unconsciously, he'd just done in his shock.

"Um, guys?" Leo said hesitantly. "You might want to see this."

If this had been some sort of comedy show, this would have been the part where Percy and Clarisse slowly turned around, spotted some horrible scene, and promptly started screaming. As it was, their life was no comedy show (To their knowledge, anyhow).

However, that didn't mean the same thing couldn't happen.

"GODS OF OLYMPUS, THE ELEVATOR'S ON FIRE!"

 **x**

 **[Top Floor]**

Nico wandered around Mount Olympus, searching for Annabeth. She'd agreed to meet them at the elevator, but since he was here before the rest of them, she hadn't been there. _Salad bar, casino, ballroom... where haven't I checked yet?_

"Nico? Is that you?"

Oh. Never mind.

Nico turned to see Annabeth walk towards him, a frown on her face. She was carrying enough blueprints to re-sink the Titanic. "Hi, Annabeth."

"Hey," she said. "Nice to see you here so early. But where are the others?"

 _Where's Percy?_ Even though she didn't say it aloud, Nico knew what the daughter of Athena was thinking. Time to spare her some worry. "Coming. He's in the elevator along with the rest of them, and you know how long that takes."

"And you're not?" Annabeth sounded a little surprised.

"I shadow-traveled. Couldn't bear the crappy elevator music."

Annabeth grinned.

 **x**

 **[Two Hundred Fifty-Fifth Floor]**

"VALDEZ, THIS IS SO YOUR FAULT!"

"I'M SORRY, OKAY? YOU GUYS MADE ME NERVOUS!"

"MY EARDRUM! MY FUCKING EARDRUM!"

"STOP FUCKING SWEARING!"

"BUT YOU JUST SWORE!"

"WHO CARES? GAH, MY FOOT!"

"GUYS, WE NEED TO STOP THIS FIRE AND FAST!"

A miraculously long beat of silence ensued, with both Clarisse and Leo staring at Percy expectantly. He gulped, voice sheepishly quiet as he said, "Um, I don't have water on me?"

"Then summon some!" Clarisse screamed again, though it wasn't as loud as before. She coughed in the smoke and glared at him. "Quickly!"

"But-"

"NOW."

"The thing is-"

"NOW!"

For as long as he lived, Percy would never forget the sight that he witnessed on the day of the horrible Elevator Incident. And when he grew up and had kids and his kids had kids, and his kid's kids had kids, Percy would always make sure to drill one vital lesson into their heads.

 _Hades hath no wrath like a child of Ares and a child of Hephaestus when they were both supremely pissed off (Like, totally, utterly, supremely pissed off)._

"ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT! I'LL SUMMON WATER!"

 **x**

 **[Top Floor]**

During the panicked scene in the elevator, there happened to be an extremely different scene going on in the girl's washroom. Aphrodite, who was calmly doing her makeup, didn't even bat an eye when toilet water surged up and levitated itself out of the door.

This was _Mount Olympus,_ darling, she'd seen weirder.

 **x**

 **[Two Hundred Eighty-Third Floor]**

Meanwhile, in the elevator, Percy was trying to justify his actions.

"It was the nearest source of water!" He protested. "And it's not like I could summon it from the plumbing or something, the gods would have thrown a fit if their water source shut off!"

"But you couldn't have summoned water from any other source?" Clarisse asked indignantly, water dripping from her clothes. "The gods are always throwing fits! I half-think you drenched me on purpose! What is it with you and toilet water?"

"I agree with Clarisse," Leo said, wringing out his shirt to dry it. "I mean, I know starting the fire was my fault and all, but that was total overkill. Also, you have a thing with toilet water?"

" _That was one time_!" Percy huffed, stomping his foot like divas did in movies. "Well, technically two because of this fiasco, but _still_!"

"Stop with the excuses already," Clarisse grumbled. "We've already heard all of them. Let's just focus on arriving at our floor in one piece. No fire, no toilet water, and absolutely no setbacks!"

The elevator jolted to a stop.

 **x**

 **[Top Floor]**

Quite a few floors able them, Annabeth tapped her foot impatiently. Where were Clarisse, Leo, and Percy? They'd agreed to be here on time, and while it _did_ take a long time to ascend six hundred floors, it never took more than three hours. True, Clarisse and Leo weren't the most organized people, but _Percy,_ at least, should be here! He was her _boyfriend,_ after all, and boyfriends did not leave their girlfriends waiting. Ever.

She and Seaweed Brain would have to talk about this.

 **x**

 **[Also Two Hundred Eighty-Third Floor]**

"We are going to have a talk about this," Clarisse said. She still looked as if she was in a state of shock, but that was wearing off quickly. "Jackson. Please explain how it is possible that whenever I'm around you, SOMETHING BAD ALWAYS HAPPENS?"

Percy winced at her volume, but still managed to look offended. Sheepish and more than slightly terrified, but offended nonetheless. "I resent that remark!"

"AT LEAST IT'S TRUE!"

"Both of you, shut up!" Leo snapped. Surprisingly, he was the only one of them doing anything productive in this situation. He placed his hand over the door and did his Hephaestus thing, sensing the machines that made the elevator work and the state they were in. He stood up. "I have bad news, guys."

"Wow, that's new," Clarisse said sarcastically, while Percy banged his head against the wall and groaned. "What is it, Valdez?"

"The water messed up the elevator," Leo said bluntly.

Clarisse stared at him for five seconds, face turning from blue to green to purple. It did not suit her. Percy promptly decided he'd lived a very happy life, and his only regret was not being able to say goodbye to those he loved. "...I'm sorry?"

 **x**

 **[Top Floor]**

In the end, it was six hours, fifty-three minutes, and twenty-one seconds before they got out of there.

Six hours, fifty-three minutes, and twenty one seconds before Annabeth completely panicked and persuaded the gods to call downstairs, only to learn that the elevator had been sent off, but wasn't returning for some reason. Six hours, fifty-three minutes, and twenty one seconds for the gods to be persuaded to send someone into the elevator, only to find a very frustrated Leo trying to stop Clarisse from murdering Percy, who was cowering against the wall while the daughter of Ares screamed words too foul to record. Six hours, fifty-three minutes, and twenty one seconds (After said three demigods had been transported out of the elevator and calmed the fuck down) to get the bloodstains out of the elevator's carpet.

"Wow," said Nico, glancing at the others while Annabeth fretted over Percy's wellbeing. "I never thought I'd be the luckiest out of a group."

 _Fin._

* * *

 **(1) Greek for dung eater.**

 **(2) If I remember correctly, the only way to get to Mount Olympus was to pass this security person, who would give you a card to use in the elevator, once you were alone.**

 **(3) I don't know how long it takes to get to the top, so please roll with this.**

 **I hope the ending wasn't too rushed. I tried, okay? Threw some Caleo in there too, because Piggy's a fan. Piggy, if you don't know, is my very affectonate nickname for my friend, who just so happened to be the 1000th reviewer on my other story, Dear Mortals.**


End file.
